Redemption, the Law, the Great Will, pain, creation, and Christ

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           You rise up only when you can finally breathe under water (so there's nothing all that liberating about the ascent, in the end)

           Which is to say, that if there is to be a final 'giving over', a reckoning, a redemption, it will occur only after it has long since been necessary- when the individual has carved him or herself down to a mere filament of any specific recognition- when there is nothing left to be redeemed.

I was debacled of the known. For it was then- as if the mind had condemned itself all along- without thought or guidance, that ignorance became my honored counsel. It was then that I disremembered myself, and eye ...Eye remembered myself.

It all vanished fleetingly together; the maxim and response, the holler and the echo. I saw nothing but my own vision, and through that I saw not even me.

When eventually I was stopped, it was forced, by a power much greater than my own. I did not know whether it was for, or against me. Perhaps it does not matter, for the Law is the Law, and when you're going so fast that you might lose control- the Law stops you. Whether for right or wrong, light or darkness, good or bad, I have no clue, it was way beyond my scope and talents. Either way ...I was stopped.

           And I see now that pain exists only when we think the Great Will is not accomplishing everything. For pain is one of the ways in which that will is accomplished; pain is the goad, desire is the carrot; these are the means by which God moves us donkeys along. Another goad is deceit. Divine, benevolent deceit. God will tell you one thing, and another person the exact opposite, simply to accomplish a hidden agenda or invisible task. And yet I suppose this is not wrong, for in the divine core there is no right and wrong, there is only creation.

Understand this and you will understand when I declare that somewhere in the middle of my turmoil I was visited by a fierce, benevolent force which entirely devalued my original existence. As such I was killed and resurrected through pain and mercy, and the most tender of love in the gnashing. There was a merciless killer within me, and he was killing only lies, and his name, if you must know, was Christ, and I was made naught but of lies. So you see what sort of relationship we had then.

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These fragments and quotes are taken from the unpublished writings of Jack Haas, selected from the notebooks 1990-2005.