Random fragments, my soul sister, Vancouver, and the bowels of introspection

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            It was during this period of my life, after I had seen for the first time the true brutality of the world’s make-believe reality, and after Glen, my sole peer at the time, had left for farther shores, that,  having returned to Vancouver, I soon lost the ability to live with others. After all that had occurred within me, I now needed four walls and a locked door around me in order to sustain any semblance of inward consciousness, and also so as to give way to the inexorable onset of my escapades into the bowels of introspection.

            A turning point had certainly happened within me. For in the hermetically sealed crucible of my inner being, I had entered, without realizing it, a new stage in my old life, a stage which I had not seen coming; a change had occurred which would reverse the voyage of my preliminary life forever.

            She was my soul sister, my familiar, and my buddy, and to this day I can hardly recall a more beautiful relationship than the one we had out there- two birds on the wing who had neither flock nor nest to return to, but only the open and endless blue sky which could free but could not feed us; out there, beyond the layer of ozone and cloud, where naught but the stars shone occasionally, and they only to let us know how far out we had gone away. 

            And yet I met with her only rarely, and almost no one else.

            In this way, one day it was all finally too much. Much, much too much. I was broken and could not go any further. The calamitous goings on inside of me had reached their crescendo, and I went down onto the ground and lay there on my back without a single bit of strength or fight left in me. I went down imagining that I would never get up again, because how could I get up, and for what? 

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These fragments and quotes are taken from the unpublished writings of Jack Haas, selected from the notebooks 1990-2005.