Getting out of hell with gratitude

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                I had made the decision a number of years after my initial meeting with Hans- the decision to leave Hell- upon realizing the true nature of my ignoble situation, the errors which had placed me there, and the successive stages required by the Law in order for me to be released. Which is to say, I had been made aware of the crimes I had committed against others which prevented any further ascent of my spirit, and I was made aware of the penances and forgiveness necessary to undo these.

            And so it was strange to have the denouement of this intent- to be released from Hell- realized back up at Hans’ place, on another visit- when we had accepted our differences and gotten on with our brotherhood- many humbling and arduous years later.

The penance had taken years, but my exodus from confinement became apparent on a specific day as I was sitting with Hans and Greg- a friend and kayaker who had been guiding in the area for over a decade- around the cabin’s kitchen table, engaged in a friendly discussion on one philosophical abnormality or another, and we were having some drinks and a smoke on the pipe, and all of the sudden a curtain fell from within me, and a sense of well-being came over me, and I was at that moment raised up and looking about with new eyes at the blessedness of this company of brothers, and at the beauty and awe of the natural world all around us, and the gift and privilege of creation itself, and I was lifted out of the gloom which I had been carrying about with me for years due to my transgressions, and an immense feeling of gratitude overwhelmed me- the type of gratitude that can only be achieved outside of hell, so that this thankfulness is as certain sign of one’s emancipation- and at that moment, in the hallowed, undeniable benediction of thankfulness ...I knew I was out of Hell. 

            If you’ve never been to Hell you won’t really understand what I’m talking about, but that means you must have always been in Heaven, and therefore you must have been spending every day of your life in a helpless state of awe and gratitude, and so I expect you’ve probably been to Hell.

            Oh, I was to go back down again into my own darkness and agony. I hadn’t been canonized or anything like that, and the way of the flesh was still a path upon which I would stumble upon and fall, over and over again, but at least I had walked out this one time, and I had done it of my own volition and desire, and that gave me a great sense of inner worth and acceptance which I would not lose again no matter how far I descended.

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These fragments and quotes are taken from the unpublished writings of Jack Haas, selected from the notebooks 1990-2005.