Karma, the spiral void, a ghost, a flying dove, and the God inside you

***

To rise and go forth away from the swollen rapture was to spit in the face of beauty, and to weep for the flying dove. I tell you, I did not move. Not a whisper. It was exhilarating.

You can avoid it as long as you choose, and most will avoid it their whole lives. But somewhere buried deep inside you know full well that the world is an absolute lie, and that almost every step you take toward it is an act of lying. And so you must take with force what others will not give you, which is to say ...yourself.

Braced hard into the inevitable, there was no emancipation without the burn. There was no blockage, and no gain.

It was the end of all my fidgeting, fleeing, and venial passions; I was ready to begin again, to start all over, to end what was not finishable- because I knew, with the hard honesty born from struggle and futility, that it was time to cut my losses, and that it would be a long while before I rose up again and randomly chose another blind direction

That is when, as I intoned earlier, I stopped, and began, and the start and the finish all blended; what ended had never even begun- it was an instant, forever cataclysmic euphoria. As the ether ignited in hellish ecstasy at my fallen condition, I opened up like a mollusk in a fire, and the scorching flames consumed me.

I had been then released, caught again, held again, released again, on and on, over and over, until finally when I was released again...I did not flee.

Stretched out and through that spiral void, you will not again disappear like a ghost, or worse- a real thing, ever haunting our lost world's home.

When you have paid back all you owe to creation- that alone is when you have the right to disappear. The privilege. The honor. To vanish. To fly. 

It must have something to do with karma or its absence, if I understand the word correctly, and to be sure I do not. For the word is the word, and the thing is the thing, and the mind is the lie in between them.

You are a door. Walk through it.

Praise the god inside of you and bow to no other.

Yea, the self is a vast, unconquered territory, to which even if you are given a map, it is still only a map of your own two feet. So, really, you can go ...nowhere.

***

These fragments and quotes are taken from the unpublished writings of Jack Haas, selected from the notebooks 1990-2005.