A cowardly God, infinite power, and God waking up

***

I had stood my ground in the face of our demons; their power was infinite, and I was nothing; I wept but did not crumble, I feared but did not run, I suffered but did not anguish. I lost, but they did not win. In fact, my strategic humbling ended the interminable battle; "Lay down in their midst!", that is the directive which I heard.

In the end I became silent only by trying to listen to god, not by trying to be silent.

Sacrifice, yes, it was all sacrifice. I lost everything, all of it, none was left but a whimper and squeak. It came to pass, by erasing hope away, by not striving, but letting being be, that I again ...was free.

It was a stiller stillness than death. I had been the phantom  haunting me all along. Thus it was easy to exorcise my demons, because there was no gravity, no victim, no me. I simply disappeared and took them with me, the whole bloody farce of it.

It is as if the whole seminal ruse about incompleteness and 'others'  was simply my own trepidation at being all of it. For the crazy thing is this- God is the one who is cowardly within us. And we are that shy puppeteer, hiding furtively behind his own creation. And, lo! we are his dumb, recalcitrant puppets as well. And when both of them finally cease, they are the same as IT, though not the same either. IT is everything: Eye, and you, and I, are none of what these are alone, because they are not alone, but only One and not another.

You see, there is something else left to relate: at that moment, when I let it all go, and I mean all of it, because I was no  longer around to obstruct creation, suddenly ...I was creation. Which is to say, without prior warning or expectation, but to be sure- suddenly I was God waking up, laughing uncontrollably at how I did not know how I produced the world at every moment, but I knew that I alone was doing it. I repeat: Suddenly you were god waking up...

***

These fragments and quotes are taken from the unpublished writings of Jack Haas, selected from the notebooks 1990-2005.