To remember and forget, the eye of the I

***

Allow me to continue this oblique dissemination.

It happens despite everything else that is happening. The trick is that in order to finally remember, first you must forget.

You see, in the end of this new beginning- when I, so to speak, let it go- I was by that point fully shut down in all my tremulous theories, and left to roam the mystery, blinder than blind in the darker than darkness; everything effortlessly fell apart, and then just as gracefully it all came back together in a hilarious ruse of existential desperation and delight.

Ah, but let me reiterate. You see, in fact I was always free. I never really understood. That was my freedom. Pain would always exist- that I could not longer deny. But let me tell you of the release which took me nowhere. From the torture of our vainly lost ignorance. Yes, by our lost ignorance.

I wanted only to be stupid again. I wanted to forget, to start again, to break apart and be done. And you know what- I forgot.

I forgot me. Me? Yes, that faulty proximity, I forgot even that.

It happened when I had seemingly failed at life completely, when I had walked away from everything with nothing left but myself, and even that self was crumbling out from beneath me. That is when, in the silent, wordless wonder of it all, I became ...the one who was looking for me. Which is to say, I became the Eye of no I.

In fact, I am the man who was the one forever trying to help me cross the river. Such is the task of destiny; It found itself.

I stopped looking for something, and Eye started looking at it all. Eye listened to I. I saw through Eye. Now I am not, and am, so at least Eye have that.

***

These fragments and quotes are taken from the unpublished writings of Jack Haas, selected from the notebooks 1990-2005.