Humility, reality, this paradigm on earth, love, God, my anima, and the soul

***

And thus only the individual who holds firmly to his or her unknowable I, despite events both inward and out, will make it through unscathed.

            If I have learned any skill or wisdom during my time on this earth, it is this: to attain the humility necessary to recognize my occasional need for help and guidance, and to ask for it. And if that is all I have learned, so be it, for

           There is no truth, no reality, no lesson issued from mankind that I consider worthy or even necessary now. I do not believe in explanations. Explanations are for cowards. And I am not interested in analyzing the paradigm, I am interested in shifting it.

No matter. I have tried to live in a state of grateful exasperation. I have tried to live as a free spirit amidst the prison of men; to find the truth buried in their endless lies; to learn to love in a world of lovelessness; to live amongst the dead, to weep at their laughter, to laugh at their tears, and to return to God while in the torrent of the Godless.

            I have tried to live within the infinite possibility and implausibility of all that is and is not, of how and of why and of what it is that I am, so that within the farthest reaches and depths of this questioning, exaltation, lostness, and wonder, to live and love and have my being.

             I have tried, as best I can, to never be something that I am not, nor to be something other than I am. I have tried to never do less than the most I can do, nor imagine that life is limited.

I found my evolving anima twice in this life, and flew away higher in the end- light and laughing as I was lifted off to nowhere. And my true soul mate- even her I have loved in the flesh become spirit in our day.

Yea indeed I had to find the mirrors of my own soul in the flesh, for only then, with the first few pieces of this infinite, confused puzzle finally coming together, could my whole broken picture have a focal point from which to grow back to One. 

When the profundity of that realization finally became fully apparent to me, that is when I became ruthless. Ruthless to any who would stand in my way. Ruthless to the mean and pointless vulgarity of the day. Ruthless to the torture, the noise, the deceits, denials, repressions, and desecration of the soul. I grew instantly upward in my hatred for all lies below.

***

These fragments are taken from unpublished writings by Jack Haas, selected from the notebooks 1990-2005.