Contra Darwinism: an alternative theory of evolution: why blonds have more fun

***

CONTRA DARWINISM

            Had Darwin arrived at the fecund Charlottes aboard a mixed-gender cruise ship, rather than arriving at the barren Galapagos in a sailboat full of drunken men, only men, he may even have conceived of other logical, and empirically provable conclusions more specifically relating to humankind- a species apart from the rest and one to which, according to his biographers, he hardly belonged- such as, for example, that due to the regular occurrence of worldwide famine in epochs past, women who were more instinctually inclined towards felatio would also be the most well nourished, due to the nutrient content of the little wigglers, and therefore the cock-suckers necessarily out-survived the repressed and conventional types, which is specifically why it is not non-Darwinian to say, for example, that “Blonds have more fun”, because any blond worthy of the name has swallowed enough male chi by her mid twenties to keep her fit and healthy well into her nineties, which is plenty of time in which to exhaust the fun quota for one life. Luckily enough, for both men and women, this is somewhat of an anachronistic observation, for brunettes and red-heads are not so self-destructive as to allow this simple principle of self-preservation to go unnoticed and have, according to my field studies, assimilated the appropriate genome into their genetic make-up.

            I’m thinking therefore that perhaps the finches, being less inclined to such revolutionary, instinctual modifications, were, as I said, a very poor choice as a study species, due to their sloth of mutation, upon which Darwin’s erroneous theory is based. Had he studied Californian co-eds instead of tweety-birds, then perhaps he would have written a hypothesis based on the more plausible evolutionary vehicle of natural seduction. 

            But I’m getting ahead, no pun intended.

***

These selected fragments are excerpted from unpublished writings by Jack Haas; selections from the notebooks 1990-2005.