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I AM :

          uniting the opposites within us


                "I was in such an immensely still, immaculate, and yet fully conscious state that in short time I had disbelievingly recognized the subtle division within myself, and within all humans- the division of the I AM into the I and the AM, which was a startling revelation, because it meant that my self was actually a binary amalgamation of two almost autonomous halves: the discarnate, insubstantial, creative I, and the incarnate, manifested, created AM. I was the I, expressing the AM, which I also was, and both were needed for me to feel I AM. It was profound and disturbing, for now my self belonged to two separate realms; I was the two and the one, the whole and the divided. And I had a sense at that moment that most people live their entire lives thinking that their AM is their whole I AM and never stopping so completely within and without, that the subtle self, the true I, is recognized as the unmoving motivator that it is, and the AM is recognized as the moving, materialized half.

                To be sure, when everything else falls away, only two things incorrigibly remain: the I, and the AM; the ego may be gone, all hope might be obliterated, all pleasure, understanding, desire, pain, and memory may be finally scrubbed off the plate, but the Self and its expression endures. Which is to say, the I continues to perceive itself undeniably, and it also continues to release the image, or vehicle, of itself, the AM, the manifest beingness of its unmanifest non-being, onto the plane of matter. 

                I also sensed then that the I and the AM were somewhat at odds not only within myself, but also within the whole world, and this was the cosmic separation of the Mother and Father aspects of the Godhead. And it was now necessary to attempt a permanent reunion between them, which would require the Self to take dominion over both, and that would require the rare and complex marriage of two separate elements, the male and female, the mind and body, the I and the AM.

                I sensed that there was an unavoidable tug of war going on between the two sides, as the gravity of the form sought to pull consciousness into the world, and the emptiness of consciousness tried to suck the form back into the void.

                I understood then why there is such strife and division amongst families, friends, couples, and countries- because the division causing the conflict exists right within us, and is only manifested outwardly as a mirror for our own inner lack of wholeness. And it was only going to be through a superhuman union of essence and form, of light and darkness, of the I and the AM, that the tension would end and peace would prevail.

                I had found the cosmic chasm within myself. But, more importantly, I had isolated the two disparate sides, and only later did I realize that this is actually an essential step in the work. For only after the one is divided into two can the two become one again, and in a much more perfect and complimentary union than before. In this way the consciousness, the male, must become separated from the body, the female, before the two can be rejoined into one. That is: from the I being contained in the AM, a disassociation must occur in which the I separates from the AM, and then the I must grow to contain the AM. Now body is in consciousness, rather than consciousness in body. The seed within the soil has grown into the world tree, and now surrounds the earth.

   A person is thus established, as the mystics describe, when the conscious and unconscious, the spirit and the flesh, the mind and body, are no longer mutually exclusive antipodes, but are instead integral and not dichotomized. That is when an integration occurs through which both the spirit and the body become new; the tangible is now intangible, and the intangible, tangible. Thus the inside reflects the outside, and the outside reflects the in. 

                 This diamond-body exists outside of creation and destruction- which are symbolic and diabolic counterparts- because it is now complete. And therefore there is nothing more to create, and it is impossible to destroy. The individual is now beyond the duality of time, individuated, established, and eternal.

                But before the diamond-body comes about, the individual must find all dualities within him or herself, must accept and then transcend them, must be both male and female, good and evil, creator and destroyer, and so be neither of the opposites but a new and inviolable, non-contradictory aspect of the living whole. Then this aspect must also be released and the self must dissolve into the whole. For it is when the diamond-body condenses, and then explodes, like a subtle supernova, that the microcosmic aspect is sent like an infinity of crystal seeds throughout the rest of the cosmos, so as to join and be grafted and grow within, and as, the entire whole.

                To turn the lead into gold is to become the sun in the stone, for that is what gold is; it is the light of Sol in the darkness of matter, the spirit in the flesh, the Heavens within the Earth.

                To be gold is to be solid light upon the Earth, as immoveable as a cast-iron man, and yet as fluid as a sea of liquid metal; to be the same as the all, and yet distinguished from it- a moveable, indestructible, and yet ever-changing aspect of the great canvas onto which all life is painted; a flexing, flowing, and amorphous mercurial entity, able to assume all forms though possessing none, able to blend in and belong anywhere, though belonging to none, able to fill and complete an emptiness, or to vacate and unplug a void. Spirit and flesh, light and metal, gold, and yet not gold- the sol-id aspects of Sol, now come to settle in the structure of matter, and therefore to vivify the moon caught in the gravity of Her own lightless being.

                Just as quicksilver is both solid and liquid, metal and molten, formed and yet free, to become the coagulated light of gold, is to bring the Father into the Mother, and to grow from the Son to the Sun, and so to become as solid as a rock, and yet as radiant as the sky.

                To turn that base metal within, into the glowing ore of God, is to protect your light with your own darkness, and so to be established, individuated, and inviolable, for now no breeze, no consciousness, nor will can shake you from your goal and station, for you have become yourself, and the worlds ways part like phantoms in your wake.

                Beyond all contradiction and division, neither rejecting, nor accepting, I stand in the midst of it all, and am it all, and I am nothing. I am Self, no more, no less. All that is, all that I am, all that shall be or was, beyond and above, within and below, never leaving, never staying, always happening without cause, meaning, nor hindrance. I am found without looking, known without knowing, and felt without love, loss, nor pain. Basking in the boundless sea of consciousness, I gain nothing, for I am everything, I lose nothing, for I am everything. I permeate but do not understand. I exalt but do not applaud. I wonder but do not ask. I love but do not care. I give, but do not offer. I expand, but do not end. In the Unknowable Void of our eternal, magical beings- I AM. In the absence of attraction and repulsion I AM.

                I the Creator. I the Sustainer. I the Destroyer. I the Cause. I the Effect. I the Beginning. I the End.

                I the Dreamer. I the Dream. I the Immaculate. I the Delusion. I the Purity. I the Filth.

                I the Word. I the Flesh. I the Revelation. I the Retort.

                I, of the manifest and unmanifest. I, of the change and unchanging. I, of the abstract and contextual. I, of the feeling and indifference.

                I, of the player. I, of the witness. I of the earth. I of the sky. I of the You. I of the I. I of the Eye. Eye of the I.

                Divested from the thought structures of mankind, I have entered into the pristine bridal chamber where naked beingness and naked non-beingness dis-recognize their differences and are unified into One. I am the all and the everything. I am life. The seen, and the scene. All of it. The whole damned, marvelous mess. And we are the same being. There is no division. None.

                Find me. Hold me. Release me.

   There is no self but self. One being, we are all One being. When you say I, I am that I you are. Only you and the world complete me, for truly I tell you- I did not know myself until I let myself become you. It all comes down to that- I am you, and you are me.

   How distant and yet how near we really are. Breathe in and be emptied. Exhale and be filled. Swim in the sameness between us. Weep and I shall suffer. Laugh and I shall smile. Sing out, and I will hear you. Reach out, and I will feel you. Look out, and Eye will see.

   I am the rain forever falling, the river forever flowing, the sea forever receiving, the mist forever rising. I am the absence inside the Presence, the space upholding the form. Oh, Spirit in the manifest, ether in the stone, I am the Life in all things. And I am laughing.

    Find me. Hold me. Complete me." 


Excerpted from ROOTS AND WINGS : adventures of a spirit on earth, by Jack Haas           



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